A Gift I Would Never Trade

There are things about that night that still seem like yesterday, feelings that still haunt my mind.  The thing that haunts me the most is the anxiety that preceded it all.  Unexplained fear welled up just like unwept tears, never expressing itself but still clearly there.  Something made me embrace that night and love every moment I had with those dear friends, drinking coffee and playing yahtzee (we yelled entirely too loud in that peaceful little coffeeshop).  Knowing that life changed so drastically after that night, if I could go back I would shout even louder and care even deeper.

The details that slip my mind are the ones I can't dare to dig up, whether it from suppressed memory or unconscious state of mind, they stay locked in a box far from reach.  How far away the shiny metal frame was or what my thoughts were before I stepped on the gas and pulled out on the road...those memories are gone, and I can't say that they are even important.  They are just minor stones leading to something that would change my life forever.  

Coming out of an unconscious stupor I became fully aware of the spot light, loud machinery,  and red goo flowing into my eyes.  These are not comforting surroundings.  But so clearly I remember those voices that attempted to sooth my fear and the hands that kept me safe.  In and out of a clear mind I asked for my Bible, phone, and Mom.  Unable to see or grasp any of them I finally laid on the gurney too confused to be comforted.  As I flew from the cafe to that Emergency Room I remember 2 very vivid thoughts...1. "get this damn oxygen mask off my face."  And 2. "God, I need you right now."  As they transported me from the life flight, to the elevator, to the room, and to the new bed I had so many thoughts swirling around my head.  Mostly I was just in a lot of pain but I remember this deep peace coming over me and knowing that I would be ok, that no matter what happened I was in my Father's arms.  As this happened I started to realize what was really going on, the frantic confusion was clearing up.  Between the 20 doctors and nurses surrounding me and the police officer trying to get my statement (I was delirious, I'm not sure what he thought I could say at that point) I should have been in sensory overload but my thought process went to where most teenage girls would go...what a prom, it's only a month away! The nurses checking my vitals talked to me about my dress and what I wanted to wear and we joked about not looking too good with an open wound for a forehead. 

I don't remember much about the tests and doctors from that point on but that's probably because of all the dear friends and close relatives standing by my side.  With 15 or 20 people in my ER we were truly unsure of what the outcome of that night would be.  So there they stood, holding hands, some in tears, praying for my weak body to hold on.  Simultaneously, in a little cafe miles away, stood a room full of people holding hands praying for God's peace and healing to fall on me.  It's amazing the turn this story takes at this point.  I don't actually remember anything after the prayer or my nurse standing in that circle but the story my dear ones tell blows me away.  The restoration within relationships, a switch in direction of lives, and a miracle that I will always tell of are the real stories of that night.  I am blessed to be alive, I've been healed as proof of the power of my God.  

To never take life for granted is the greatest gift I was given that night and though I have to be reminded often, it's always there...a deep desire to love and live life in complete abandonment.  

I still can't believe 5 years have gone by so fast yet seem like a lifetime away.  Today I am recommitting to living life in celebration, knowing that even the hardest of times will result in a deeper understanding of love.  I wouldn't trade the pain I had that night for anything, the results and joy that I've received since then are irreplaceable.