Moving On

Just so you guys know I am switching over to Wordpress!  Blogger has been great but I definitely prefer wordpress and what it offers.  My new blog is http://tashasjourney.wordpress.com/ 

Please come check it out! I even imported my posts from this blog into the new one so it's similar to this one.  

Thanks for all of your support and love.  

Less of Me, More of You

If I truly lived by those famous words, God could really use me.  My deepest desire is to live joyfully in suffering with my King.  That empathy would only come from His heart rather than mine.  My human emotions and views can only harm those I desire to help the most.  When I see brokenness I want to comfort and repair but what if there is deeper restoration that is coming from that broken heart, what if the Holy Spirit is moving and making them uncomfortable and I see it as an opportunity to jump in and save them from their pain?  As humans, our view of love is limited and generally fuzzy but, if we lived in God's love Holy Spirit could move more freely and we could see further healing of each others souls rather than the temporary patchwork fix that our consoling words bring.  We do not understand God's movings unless we are moving with Him and let His fragrance saturate our being.  I want the aroma of Christ to permeate every room I enter and the stench of my rotting heart to fade.

A Gift I Would Never Trade

There are things about that night that still seem like yesterday, feelings that still haunt my mind.  The thing that haunts me the most is the anxiety that preceded it all.  Unexplained fear welled up just like unwept tears, never expressing itself but still clearly there.  Something made me embrace that night and love every moment I had with those dear friends, drinking coffee and playing yahtzee (we yelled entirely too loud in that peaceful little coffeeshop).  Knowing that life changed so drastically after that night, if I could go back I would shout even louder and care even deeper.

The details that slip my mind are the ones I can't dare to dig up, whether it from suppressed memory or unconscious state of mind, they stay locked in a box far from reach.  How far away the shiny metal frame was or what my thoughts were before I stepped on the gas and pulled out on the road...those memories are gone, and I can't say that they are even important.  They are just minor stones leading to something that would change my life forever.  

Coming out of an unconscious stupor I became fully aware of the spot light, loud machinery,  and red goo flowing into my eyes.  These are not comforting surroundings.  But so clearly I remember those voices that attempted to sooth my fear and the hands that kept me safe.  In and out of a clear mind I asked for my Bible, phone, and Mom.  Unable to see or grasp any of them I finally laid on the gurney too confused to be comforted.  As I flew from the cafe to that Emergency Room I remember 2 very vivid thoughts...1. "get this damn oxygen mask off my face."  And 2. "God, I need you right now."  As they transported me from the life flight, to the elevator, to the room, and to the new bed I had so many thoughts swirling around my head.  Mostly I was just in a lot of pain but I remember this deep peace coming over me and knowing that I would be ok, that no matter what happened I was in my Father's arms.  As this happened I started to realize what was really going on, the frantic confusion was clearing up.  Between the 20 doctors and nurses surrounding me and the police officer trying to get my statement (I was delirious, I'm not sure what he thought I could say at that point) I should have been in sensory overload but my thought process went to where most teenage girls would go...what a prom, it's only a month away! The nurses checking my vitals talked to me about my dress and what I wanted to wear and we joked about not looking too good with an open wound for a forehead. 

I don't remember much about the tests and doctors from that point on but that's probably because of all the dear friends and close relatives standing by my side.  With 15 or 20 people in my ER we were truly unsure of what the outcome of that night would be.  So there they stood, holding hands, some in tears, praying for my weak body to hold on.  Simultaneously, in a little cafe miles away, stood a room full of people holding hands praying for God's peace and healing to fall on me.  It's amazing the turn this story takes at this point.  I don't actually remember anything after the prayer or my nurse standing in that circle but the story my dear ones tell blows me away.  The restoration within relationships, a switch in direction of lives, and a miracle that I will always tell of are the real stories of that night.  I am blessed to be alive, I've been healed as proof of the power of my God.  

To never take life for granted is the greatest gift I was given that night and though I have to be reminded often, it's always there...a deep desire to love and live life in complete abandonment.  

I still can't believe 5 years have gone by so fast yet seem like a lifetime away.  Today I am recommitting to living life in celebration, knowing that even the hardest of times will result in a deeper understanding of love.  I wouldn't trade the pain I had that night for anything, the results and joy that I've received since then are irreplaceable.  

A Plug for Don

Don Miller always speaks so clearly and fluidly.  Here is his blog http://donmilleris.com/
I'm too tired to write my thoughts on his post from today but I encourage you to read it.  It's definitely worth it.

Radical Faith: For Everyone or Just a Few?

On our roadtrip from Illinois to Ohio Candice read one of Brennan Manning's books out loud. With only the intro and Chapter 1 down, I'm already thirsty for more of this book.  It's called The Signature of Jesus and it has me thinking on so many things right now.  Which means this post is going to be a bit of a mess as I am still processing so much.

First of all, I MUST read more.  I used to read a lot and recently have fallen off the book path.  Today just reminded me that there is so much to learn and grow from inside the pages of a good book.

A point Brennan brings up in the intro is that not everyone is made with radical faith.  That giving up our lives to follow Christ is not a desire that each person is made with.  While my first reaction is to claim that ridiculous, I'm seeing that he is definitely on to something.  In YWAM we meet all these people who are not just willing, but DESIRING, a reckless and dangerous life, it's our "norm," so to speak.  In my mind, that is everyone's calling...set apart your life by giving up everything you have to follow Christ.  But is that really how it works?   What about the accountants, waitresses, stay at home moms who all follow God's leading and share God's love with everyone around them through their actions in every day life?  Brennan says that a life of radical faith is a gift from God and that not everyone gets the same gift.  I agree with him to an extent.  Though, I would say it takes radical faith to live a holy (set apart) life no matter what your passions and desires are.

The thought that a radical lifestyle is a gift really puts a new spin on things in my mind.  All the comparing we tend to do is really thrown out the window.  We always get so excited about the people living in Africa taking care of the sick, hurting, and impoverished and then kindly say at the end, "the people at home have a great mission field too..."  just so we don't step on any toes.  But why try to make people comfortable?  Get them uncomfortable!  Tell them that right where they are is a needy place and it's their calling to do something about it!  Lay down all the fears, desires, worries, and everything else that we use as an excuse and there you have a radical life.  Let's get excited about every single person that is daring to follow God's heart!  I want people to get excited about who they are in Christ and the gifts and desires they've been made with!

This brings me to the point I've been thinking about the most.  Am I made for a radical lifestyle?  There's much need for a reassessment here.  For quite a few years now I've desired nothing more than to be in the jungle or travel to the roughest parts of the world to share the love of Christ with everyone I meet.  But have I done that?  I've taken steps that I thought would take me there but what is my real gift here?  I want it to be a radical lifestyle...but could it be the life of a writer?  Writing of all the things God is doing in my heart and around me?  Writing of great adventures that I'm going to take?  Could it be the life of a mother?  The life of a student? A teacher?  Oh there are so many possibilities...whatever lifestyle it is I know one thing, I am dedicated to a radical faith.  Without reliance on God I will fail, fall, stumble, drift, etc. (you get the picture).  My heart is aching to rely so fully on my God and take a leap of faith somewhere...relationship, occupation, school...I can just feel the stirring of something new in my spirit.  My prayer right now is that I would be lovingly obedient to God in the small things so that when the big things come around, I am ready and willing!  (Candice reminded me of that today...what a blessing it is to have her here to talk about life with.)

We're just two "radical" girls longing after His heart.

Forever Young, Forever Our Own

Somewhere along the line, we decided it's too hard to grow up.

So we stopped.

We're taking a break from the natural time line of our lives.

We're Peter Pan.

Some where along the line, we decided caring for ourselves was easier than caring for someone else. 

So we stayed selfish. 

And we're still here, waiting for good to come to us.  

Waiting for a change in the world.  

Why do we think our generation is any different than the generations before us?  

Change happens with action.  

Love happens with an open heart.  

Nothing happens when all we see is ourselves in this world.

My heart is aching to be selfless.  To see selflessness in a tired generation. 

In a generation that can see what's wrong but who hesitates to do anything about it.  

Hold on to Hope, Love

To hope is to risk. A risk of being let down.  A risk of getting hurt.  I'm not sure where hope went, what door it snuck out but it's hardly ever found.  Far off glimpses and a chance for sweet connection but nothing that lasts, nothing to make it mine.  Selfish ambitions and empty accusations keep it at a distance, just far enough to keep wounds open and hearts broken.  Babies in lost situations and parents with blank faces. Fears replace the empty spaces.  Nothing to live for, nothing to try for.  Failed attempts and endless paths.  Open arms turned to suffocating traps.  What once was brilliance is lack-luster fate.  But with only one way to go, one place to run, hold on to hope, Love.  It brought you here and it is your way out.  Take the risk, Love, hold on to hope, Love.

Full Bloom

There are no words for how God works.  Beautiful, just, soft, strong, loving...they don't cut it.  The last few months have been really hard for me for different reasons but this morning I realize it all comes down to one thing...I'm not walking in my calling.  God has called me to be His hands and feet in a very specific way but I have been ignoring it.  My heart keeps crying out for peace and some kind of hope but I can't find rest because there is no rest when you are fighting the Creator of all things.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately and trying to figure out what has been causing me to ignore God's small whisper.  There are many answers to that question but a few that are very prominent in my life right now.  I surround myself with people...all the time.  Granted, I'm a people person and learn SO much from those I love...but in doing that I forget to allow God to be one of those people in my every day life.  He is the one I want to spend most of my time with.  Another reason I block out His whisper is because I know it's calling me to something intimidating, something I know I can't do on my own.  It's so ridiculous (human) for me to think that anything God would call me to do would be something of my own power...Holy Spirit is my strength and who actually does the moving and changing!  I am but a vessel.   And the oh so prominent one is that I am a people pleaser.  I allow other people and their expectations to become more important than the sweet call of my King.  Loving people and letting them control me are 2 different things.  Changing my "people-pleasing heart" is really hard and something that I've been trying to change for a long time but I do believe that in following my calling I will be taking a giant step in leaving that behind.

Life is changing today and I am excited to really embrace it.  I think my Spring is fully bloomed and now I must work to make room for the good to grow.  

God is so good.  

Today

"The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." –Audrey Hepburn

This quote genuinely speaks what my heart is desiring.  I no longer want to fret about the things to come. The things of the past are to be embraced as stepping stones and beautiful moments rather than a dwelling place.  While I wait in this season of decisions and lack of direction I need to hold to these truths and just love what today has to offer.  


Embrace today, find your passion, and  work towards your goals.  

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise

Judging is Not Loving

We all judge to a certain extent.  We sort people by their hair, clothes, music they listen to, food they eat, where they shop...etc. But people don't belong in categories, people are equal.  This is so hard to grasp, so hard live by.  Are we too full of ourselves to truly understand that we are above no one?  Sadly, it's true.

If we want to love everyone as ourselves then we must see everyone as ourselves.  So much of me wants to say, even now, that there are exceptions but there aren't.  The men raping little girls in Asia each night, the junky selling herself for her next hit, the lady spending her last penny on cat food for her 76 cats at home...we're all equal.  Society says those people are less than the common US citizen for one reason or another, that there is some open door to mock and hurt them.  But they need love, they have redemption at their door, they are human!  We are human.  I wish we could all get this through our head that each person is seen as a beloved child in God's eyes.  We are never going to be perfect and each of us has the capability of doing and being the worst of the worst.  I want to help people, not because they need me but, because they deserve a loving hand to be there for them.

Confessions

Warning: This post is solely about me and may bore you. :) What are your confessions?

i'm messy. my glasses are too big for my face. my nose sticks out too far.  i talk too loud.  my moves don't groove.  i love to lay in green grass.  i have moods that change with the weather. my love comes easy but my trust rarely shows its face.  i never wear jewelry...but i own too much of it.  i'm a hypochondriac with good reason.  laughing comes all to easy and my smile inconveniently shows up in somber silences.  i'm different than most people expect me to be.  at the end of the day i look back and laugh, well, because there is always something to laugh at.  i hate to fall asleep before my friends.  if i could eat sushi every day for every meal i would.  commitment to one location is comparable to drinking vinegar.  different cultures intrigue me.  i love when it rains hard.  i dream more than i "do," with every intention of "doing".  i read a lot but rarely finish a book.  i'm not bothered by getting lost or getting old.  i'd rather get lost and old with you.  i dream of leading worship.  new music excites me more than new food but not as much as new people.  words are my weakness.  because of that, i talk too much.  and i say things i shouldn't.  justice is my lens.  i lost my rose colored lenses, but i don't really like when everything's pink anyway.  i have yet to find the perfect pen and yes, it is a goal.  i drive with the windows down because i don't like the air conditioner.  i'm a cynic but i still hold to hope.  i chase rainbows and sunsets.  my pop-culture knowledge lacks much.  i don't think i could quote one movie quote correctly but i still try.  when you tell me i can't, i know i can and, i'll prove you wrong...or at least try :)   i like me.  the end.

Live Wisely. Live Simply.

I'm thinking of ways to have a "garage sale" in the middle of winter.  It's a very limited thought but I want to get rid of my stuff...now.  Not only that but, I need to pay bills.  I've been so convicted lately of cutting down on my lifestyle, going back to cooking all my food, eating healthy, making things to do rather than paying for entertainment, creating rather than buying new clothes and accessories.  These are just a few small things I'm going to start when I get home.

Karma.  Well..."sewing seeds" in Christianese.  I really feel like we could be doing so much more for others than we do already.  If we put into action the things that Christ actually teaches then we would be living the fullest lives we could possibly imagine.  Now, I'm not saying to do good things because good things will happen to you.  I'm saying that there are consequences to good and bad living.  A life lived in love produces much love, whether evident now or in eternity.  A life full of hate or judgement leads to emptiness and loneliness.  It's pretty simple.  Our decisions and actions affect everyone around us, especially the ones we love so why would we live in a way that would bring anyone down?  It's something I just don't get but yet do every day.  Showing love in every action is a discipline just as much as eating healthy and exercising...it's something we need to work for and few are good at it right off the bat.

I want to be wise in each decision I make and each relationship I invest in.  Love and simplicity are what I strive for and am passionate about right now.  Something I'm learning about myself is that I need people to walk with in each passion and idea I have.  Not that I can't or won't do things on my own but they are so much more enjoyable when shared with others.  I'm so thankful for my friends and their hearts to live simply and in love.  What would I do without their dreams and passions to get excited about?  

Suggestion on living in love and simplicity: Read about Mother Teresa

Live a life full of action and love...could I stress the love point any more?haha  Yeah actually, love is so important I could never say it enough.  Love love love.  Ok now go live it! 

Do You Hear Him Calling?

I arrived in Tallahassee on Sunday afternoon, to spend time with family and drive my sweet Gram back home.  Intentions were not all selfless though, I'm allowing myself the expectation of clarity.  This week (or however long we choose to stay here) has great potential to clear up those fuzzy areas in my life right now. It's quiet here, away from tugging thoughts and painful reminders.  I guess I see it as and open field where my thoughts can freely roam and wait for the fog to lift, maybe even find each other in sweet reunion and connection.  That was my only expectation, clarity in thought and peace of mind for a week.  In fact I may have begged God a little.ha!

But my God has greater plans than my desires.  Jillian came to visit me on Monday and we spent the whole day together, shopping, eating, exploring...it was a great adventure much needed for both of us.  The afternoon was winding down and Eddie James was playing in the background.  Oh that Eddie James.  God started tugging at my heart to come and worship Him.  And I have to say, I have missed that tug so much!  I mentioned something to Jillian and she was feeling the exact tug.  "Oh God what are you doing in our hearts?," went through my head instantly.  Then came the next tug...maybe there's an IHOP here!  After much discussion of whether YWAM or IHOP were present here we decided to find out for ourselves.  I whipped my phone out and found exactly what we were looking for.  We got to our original destination (Yogaberry) and turned right around, we have a God to worship!

With only a couple other people in the room we entered into immediate worship.  Nothing holding us back, no one to distract us.  As we blessed our Father's heart He blessed ours.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened that day, well, nothing that the eye could see...but something so deep in my heart started to sprout joy.  There's something new coming around the corner and might just start here.

I'm going back today and expect that joy to grow.

Ginerbread Man

Run, run as fast as you can.
You can't catch me,
I'm the gingerbread man!

Oh this little rhyme fits my life all too well.  I run right into an issue and all I do is turn around and keep running, I run until I find a place to stop and start over.  I run and run until I find a place to catch my breath.  If you want to catch me, if you want to meet me where I'm at, its a lot of work because I will just run.  Truthfully, I hate this about myself and have decided to learn how to stick things out.  I have a dear friend showing me that confrontation is the only true way to resolve anything.  Confrontation is not always a bad thing, though uncomfortable, it leads to more freedom than trying to run.  I guess good confrontation skills are a pretty good way to measure maturity and growth.  Good relationships are built off of communication which includes much confrontation.
Confrontation has a bad connotation but in it's purist form is out of love and a desire to grow.  It is more than addressing someone else's issue, it addresses mutual issues (or simply, situations) and leads to a deeper connection with the person/people you confront.  The hard part is when it leads to separation.  This happens and it is something each person needs to realize is best.  That's the part I hate, that's the part that makes me want to run.  I'm just rambling about this topic right now because it's on my mind.  I suppose I'm learning while I type.

*Side note: This is a very candid post but I just want to clarify that I haven't run into anything crazy or a brick wall, this has just been on my mind lately. I want to grow out of my ways of the past.

"Home is Wherever I'm With You"

The video in my last post is of a song that I haven't been able to get out of my head for the last couple weeks.  Not only is it a great song, it says exactly how I feel.  No matter where I am or what I'm doing, if I'm with people I love, I am home.  Home isn't a place for me, it's the people I'm with.  I think about the times I've felt lost or out of place and each time has been when I'm on my own.

A friend of mine brought up the point that he doesn't mind getting lost when he's with someone he knows because he has someone to get lost with.  It's so true!  Who cares if you get lost when you're with people you care about and enjoy, you're sharing an experience...you're sharing life with them.

I've been seeing more and more how deep my love for people goes.  My prayer is that my capacity for love stretches and grows beyond what I can imagine and that no matter where I go or who I'm with, I'm home.

A Little Bit of Nonsense and a Little Bit of Justice

I feel like posting nonsense that I enjoy...cause we all know, I love nonsense.  I'm going to add a few justice links as well because it's on my mind...and we all know, it's always on my mind.

Audrey 

 "The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."–Audrey Hepburn

Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Thanks to my friend, Carrie, I may play this song entirely too often in my car...along with Mumford and Sons.  I could drive all day...

Fruit Hat!

My friend Melissa makes the cutest fruit hats.  If you like fruit and you like hats (or just hats) you should check out her etsy shop!

International Princess Project

Check out these "PJ's with a purpose"!  

 v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes.  To look forward to with confidence or expectation. 1. To expect and desire. n.2. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.

A Short Story about Human Trafficking

What's Best for the Family  If you have the time please read this story.